I Guess That's Why They Call it the Blues

This is not a post I ever wanted to or planned on writing. Ever. I've tried and stopped for the last seven days, but it's time now. 

My wonderful Lex, who you know I've been having some trouble with lately, has to be retired from riding permanently. She is seven years old. This is killing me. 

The short version is, when I got back on her per the vet's orders--12 days out from the injection, just walk on a long rein--she was fine for a few minutes and then she lost it. Rearing and bucking and all that. I stayed on, but I was having trouble not getting emotional. As soon as I got her to walk a 10m circle, I got off. And burst into tears. M asked why, and I told her it was because I was so worried about what this meant for the horse I love so much.

(And here is where I'm going to start crying AGAIN.)

I called every trainer I know. I called my cowboy friend. I called the vet. They all said the same thing: "she is not going to get better. There are a lot of nice horses out there. Don't kill yourself or torture her."

The vet said the injection should have made her a new horse, and it didn't. He couldn't fix it if it was pain, and if it's behavioral, a horse who stands straight up on a loose rein is an even more dangerous horse than one who rears under pressure. 

M went to do a pony club rating in another state last weekend. When she talked to the other national examiners, she said they all told her that horses with nuchal bursitis should not be ridden at all because they are dangerous. They are known to flip. M had never heard of this problem before, so she didn't know that, or she'd have told me. 

So now the most horrible thing I can think of: I have to find Lex a new home as a broodmare or a companion. She is fine on the ground and requires no more maintenance than a normal healthy horse--just food and water and some friends. I can't believe she will not be mine forever. But I can't afford to keep her. Maybe someday I can take her back, but not now. 

So if any of you knows anyone who is interested in an extremely well bred mare with excellent conformation, please let me know. I just want her to have a good home. I want to make sure her life is better than it was when I found her, so no more research univerisities. Nothing has can happen to her. 

I'd better stop writing before I lose it completely and give myself another crying hangover. But one more thing: please do not ask me if I have tried whatever treatment or fix or whatever (no, chiro will not help. Neither will a padded crown piece. Yes, people have suggested these things this week). I find it quite rude and it's only going to make me feel worse. I'm crazy about this horse. If something could be done, I would do it.

Okay. Deep breaths. Someday, maybe, I will get over this. Let's not cross our fingers.